Ladybug Ramblings

Ok,so simply,just like in school,arrange the figures and solve it.Only now it’s life.And for the first time I realize how serious it is.I’ll die someday and this,now, is ALL I have.

I DON’T want to be my mother,I don’t want to end up like neither of the women I see around me.I don’t want the life,the extra kilos,the sweatiness after coming back from the office,the routine,the crude husband ,the divorce,the oldness…What the fluck do I want then? Beats me.Just not this.

So I’m depressed.Clinically depressed. I don’t want therapy,and I don’t want anyone to know because they’ll all (would they?) push and nag me to go to therapy. And honestly,I’ve been to Psychology Uni,I KNOW who my “therapist” will be and what he “prepared” .Some clueless idiot.Who’ll get me talking about my father’s “teachings” and my lack of trust in people and poor self-confidence. Bugshit.

I don’t want pills either.Not yet at least.

But I lack energy to go to school,to go out of the apartment,to get out of bed.Lack energy to plan anything.Lack energy to do anything but eat and sleep.And all seems just sooo hard.And confusing.And so worthless .Why do any of the things I can?Their outcome is just to become one of the women around me.It’s just the steps they took.But I DON’T WANT THAT. I don’t know what I want,but NOT that,FOR SURE.I don’t even want a relationship anymore.Or the marriage and children I always thought I wanted.”You’re just training to be the perfect housewife,aren’t you?” Well,not anymore.

Yep,step by step classical depression.So what now? I say no to paying hundreds of euros to some clueless “therapist”,because I know JUST the “forming” he had.No pills. Just no. I don’t want to go there .

Some perky Cosmo-girl”life-style change”? “Exercise is ENDORPHINES,rabbit-food is delicious, DIET,DIET,all problems go away if you’re skinny!!”.Walks in the sun,aromatherapy,tae-bo?

Well,at least I’ll look better.I’ve eaten way to much lately.And beautiful people succeed anywhere.Some of that is true. Beauty opens doors,and skinny=beauty.When you have everything else ,that is.And god knows I do.But I have it…for WHAT?

Ok,one day at a time.Just like addicts.One hour at a time.Tomorrow wake up and go shopping,clean the house.Go to the post office on monday.School…One at a time.

Just….processing. When will the results turn and the living begin I wonder?

I overslept today and missed my last exam, but I am not sad at all.

I had indeed the most perfect dream…In my dream I was asleep (and that might truly be the climax of all laziness) ,in fact had just awoken and slowly opened my eyelids to watch the sunlight being filtered through the drapes. As my eyes got used to the light, I noticed I was in a huge round bed, covered in fresh white linen . I stretched lazily and felt someone sleeping with his head on the curve of my back. Instantly, I “remembered’ it was my Love, and we had once more fell asleep entangled and warm like two blind puppies.And that all the search and the feeling of incompletion had been over for so long,and THIS was the dream, not that…Of course I woke up before I could turn around and look at him so I had no idea who he was…but what would be the fun in that,right ?

Anyways , another sweet moment linked to tis dream was that i told Christoph about it and then made a joke about waking in time for the test if he was the examiner, to witch he responded” I’d rather be the one in the bed” while caressing my hair.

Could it be?

Today’s Quote: Dreams I remember vividly, it is life I forget from time to time.

Yes, my telepathy never fails, Ian is indeed happy with his new Lady. That he even wrote about in a sentimental way in his Blog, something that he told me he doesn’t do. I wish him all the happiness I dreamed about giving to him and much much more next to her. I actually smiled while reading his Blog entry I am glad he is so euphorically happy, he is such a wonderful man.

Be perfectly happy, my Sir,though someone else calls you that now.

Listening to the Juno soundtrack. Tire Swing, how appropriate.

Well,both my boys called or sent messages.

And I am meditating on beauty and physical appearance in general. How there is a sort of look that disgusts me whilst watching that person sleep, even though I would not judge him as unattractive in general. And it has nothing to do with snoring or drooling or other such behaviors. It is highly subjective. Watching M. sleep would turn my stomach,I’m sure he just does it like…a commoner,I cannot really explain. Poor man.

Christoph I’ve seen sleeping after a party,he’s awful , snores like a lion and takes the whole space with his long legs,but damn if he’s not droolingly sexy…Cute arrogant bastard!

And sleeping next to Ian…I wouldn’t have slept,just watched him ,listened to him snore,caress him like a miracle…Stupid girl.

Urgh,shallow inconsistent woman!!!

I know now and have to accept Ian is in a new relationship,I know he doesn’t update his Blog when everything is going well and he is fallen into charm…How silly of me to keep thinking of him every day for so long,through all that is happening…The intensity of it all is just…it left traces.

M. and Christoph are both home in Spain,respectively Germany so I am all free of stress.

I am beginning to grow so accustomed to M. that I miss him and have things to tell him when he is not here, but it really is just friendship. He always interprets it as more than that and I am dead ashamed to put him down every single time,especially since he doesn’t want to believe me when I say it…I swear,I will end up marrying this guy just because I feel too embarrassed to tell him that despite it all,I cannot love him and I never will .

Christoph,on the other hand…grr,I get insanely jealous,I always imagine him with women when he is not under my eyes, I am never sure, I can never believe what he tells me. I always make jokes and witty teases , but they have other purpose, I expect his answer to determine where he was…And it is so freaking unhealthy . Plus, let’s face it ,it’s just an innocent flirt that will end (in its most happy version) with us sleeping together once. He leaves this year and even if I went to Germany after I am done, he’s not the relationship type, not with me anyways, for goodness sake, the man practically lives in a castle,he runs in the highest circles, what would I have to offer? But everytime he looks in my eyes and caresses my cheek and tells me I drive him insane and how unfairly beautiful I am…urgh,I know it’s just sweet talk,I’m not an idiot,but for a second I loose myself in that feeling…

Today’s Quote;You may not have kissed my lips,but you kissed my soul.

Another exam passed (just 7 more to go!) the real drama happens between the 2 good-luck messages received:

M.: “Who will be the one to defeat you,feline?A lover-priest maybe,in your mystical union beyond flesh? I promise that whatever happens between us I will always be here,at your command.Count on me and never walk alone anymore.GOOD LUCK tomorrow,little wild cat!”

Christoph : ‘Froggy, go to sleep or I am retreating all Bounty-choco privileges ! Good luck,my favorite girl in the world. x” (How happy I was as I was writing this,that finally I had managed to spend time with C. in 2 occasions WITHOUT fighting with him…well, crash-boom-bang again, and this time it was just me to blame. But I didn’t mean “Your smile is fake!” to sound like “You are ugly”, just that…well,I’m inlove with his smile and I can easily detect when it’s not wholehearted )

Now,hmmm…no competition here,right?

Well,there is and how so…And I would give it all up …my god, Ian is so beautiful. I still feel like a man who wakes up every day in prison but cannot remember the killing that got him there.

Laughing makes me look like a monkey , but damn if it doesn’t keep me sane.

The Romanian song for those who love and walk away.

I went to a party tonight.Christoph was there.He told me something I would have never expected to hear from his mouth. Will detail later,now I must sleep.

Ok, 3 days later, still hungry for a bit of rest ( exam period does that to you ) . I am haunted by the thing though and have to write down so that I can see it in in front of my eyes and understand it better.

I was at a party on Saturday. No sooner did I walk in and got a drink that Christoph came over and we started our usual cracking jokes at each-other session. At one point he was laughing so hard and said :

“Oh, where would I be without your spiteful sharp little tongue?”

“Me?!? Spiteful! *putting on innocent little girl face* I am sweet,kind-spirited and loving! “

Any trace of smile suddenly vanished from his face :”You are,little girl,just not to yourself.”

Ok,at this one my jaw dropped and I felt like a fish out of the water. I never heard it so concise before. Not that I think he put all that mind into it. I just never expected him to say it,that’s it.

It might have all gone well from there on, except the next thing he said was “Will you let me take some photos of you?”

It was the first and only time I ever felt I might be actually inlove with Ian , not just miss him greatly and need him. I felt my whole body cut opened and every cell screaming “NO THAT IS IAN’S ONLY HE CAN…” .The shock wave hit with such a force Christoph noticed and asked me if I felt allright.

He thought he had upset me.I managed to just mumble a “No, no, it’s nothing,I just don’t come out well in pictures”. Then came the usual “I don’t think so, I watched you in the library while you were reading, you have amazing features ” but my mind was away and in repairs.

I went outside to let myself feel some cold fresh air and recover my calm. Christoph came after me and brought me a jacket a while after. Then offered to drive me home to which I responded I’m ok, I’ll take a cab .

Somehow that seemed to anger him very very much. He said an “As_you_wish.” between scratching teeth. I don’t get why. I don’t think he wanted to sleep with me that night. At least not so bad that he would get that angry.

I thought maybe I was just imagining it, on Sunday I called him determined to say yes to him photographing me. He answered very mumblingly, said I woke him up, he left very late at the party. Tonight I caught him online for a bit and sent him an IM about the Promusicae case we’ve previously discussed, he sent “sorry,i have to leave for a party bye”.

Hmmmmm, ok,I get when I am not wanted. We’ll just go back to where we were before we went to the Snow Park. Weird though. I’ve got a picture of him taking pictures . Guess that’s as close as I’ll ever get . And I bet that Sony would have made me look good. Men are so strange…

I felt a thousand little miracles happening today,it was like swimming in a glass of bubbly champagne.

I did perfect on an exam I didn’t even read the notes for (well,I AM brilliant but that’s still lucky).

I went to the library afterwards and saw Christoph sat at a table engrossed in his books.

I quickly drew the little heart on my nose and went by his desk with a straight face ,seemingly oblivious of his presence. Loud roars of laughter came out from behind me as I walked away .Then, while looking for the texts I needed I felt him embrace me and bowing down to whisper in that little German accent of his “I will pass a law one day to make that little heart illegal and then I will keep you in my dungeon forever,just for me!”.

Of cooooourse Miss Smarty Pants that I am couldn’t help but sticking out her tongue to say :”Hmmm…might be a bit too crowded in there for me!”. He giggled and walked away.

But feeling his arms around me and having his whole 6’3″ amazingly masculine scented frame holding me tight…I felt something new and warm inside.A little shy miracle. Or a little drop of drool in the corner of my mouth,either way .

Found the cutest little sexy dress my size,on sale. Milka has a new sortiment of chocolate out and it’s delicious.

I only thought of Ian 4 times today.Urgh,damn, now five  .

Tariq called to say we will watch the Oscars together this year.

And when I got home I found my Hyacintus bloomed.It wasn’t this morning .

Today’s Quote : I screw things up,I help things grow…i am alive.